Well, Chrissie, here is your translation

[petronia]

Your link expired btw - but I saved the text the first time around. XD Note that I skipped bits here and there when I plain didn't understand the fannish terminology.

EDIT -- credit info, since this is unlocked by popular demand and being passed around: the original fic is 十三番正副隊長的自白 by 櫻織. Translated without permission, because I am a complete lurker in Cfandom. ^^;;

Confessions of the Captains and Vice-Captains of the Thirteen Divisions

Yamamoto: "My heart's desire? All I want is for certain unnamed persons to spare my disciples and subordinates from their unwelcome attention. Not for the first news I hear every morning to be X got it on with Y but Z put his foot in it and A chased B from sector 13 to 68 of Rukongai waving a zanpakutou about for the love of C et cetera et cetera ad nauseam, I can feel it taking years off my life each time. Especially the splinter group claiming I was ultimate seme of the thirteen divisions 1000 years ago - spare me, truly, I was born with this face and never had a complexion to destroy over doujinshi."

Soi Fong: "My heart's desire? I admit I profoundly admire and respect Yoruichi-sempai but let's be serious, I do not get drunk and cry into my cups and angst on top of my angst every single night - or cuddle random stray cats - or mutter to myself - let alone mutter nothing but "Yoruichi" to myself. And I certainly haven't fallen so low as to commandeer another woman's bed and refuse to be budged!"

Gin: "What I truly want? To be honest I think you people should get your story straight and decide whether I'm seme or uke once and for all. I'm aware that you all think I'm a complete slut but really, enough with the back-and-forth. So fine, I'm an outgoing sort and I make small talk but IT REALLY IS SMALL TALK not seduction not hinting and definitely not code for "come to my bedroom tonight". I know, I know, apparently I have been to bed with EVERY PERSON I HAVE HAD A CONVERSATION WITH IN CANON EVER including minors and the disabled. I don't understand how anyone can claim Aizen/Gin is a major fandom ship when all I and Aizen do is sleep with other people! And you know, I thought I had a sweet het thing going with Rangiku but lately they tell me they need her for Rangiku/Orihime. It's all about the girl-on-girl action, or something."

Kira: "Wish? ...It's the face, isn't it? I AM SORRY I WAS BORN WITH THIS LOOK OF MISERY, BELIEVE ME I AM. I just don't see how this implies I'm destined to be the spurned woman is all I'm saying. Why do I always have to be crying in bed and pleading with whomever to love me and tearfully watching said person elope with someone else? Why do I have mental breakdowns? Why am I ALWAYS THE ABANDONED ONE WRYYYY I okay I'm okay. Like I remember someone wrote me with Hinamori but even she ditched me at the end?!? Fine, I'm calm..."

Aizen: "I have no comments, I am a very busy man. Busy combining shinigami and hollows, busy with the arrancar, busy consolidating my hold on the universe - how about this, let's lower the bar and say you can write me with anyone you please, and anyone you like gets to have a go at me (so much time I have on my hands), and fans of Gin or Ukitake or Byakuya or Renji or Hitsugaya or Urahara or Hisagi know where to find me anytime they need a default seme did I hear there were fans of Yamamoto by the way?, but - one! Just arrange for one and send me a memo, that's all I ask for! I don't have time to attend to all those people! I haven't the stamina! The energy to take care of a harem is simply. not. there! I don't have the habit of falling for every person I see and sadistically torturing the rest, and that brings me to another point - don't make me the default evil in every love triangle. Every time someone or the other needs a rival to keep the relationship moving, there I am. Are the thirteen divisions emptied of warm bodies that I have to pick up the slack?"

Byakuya: "I hear there's a school of thought that says I'm uber-uke. And there's a fair amount of discussion as to whether I'm an evil seme or just a really bitchy uke. I don't understand this. Surely I'm the only person in this room conclusively stated to be married? Why am I the subject of all the gossip? Fine, in retrospect the scarf thing with Renji was a misstep. And the eyelash thing with Ichigo. But that doesn't signify I'm having an affair with either. All right, never complain and never explain, I see well that any protest will be considered overmuch. ...Though really, what sort of relationship could I possibly be having with that Ichigo brat? And as for Rukia, I don't suppose any of you will believe that I am traditional and honourable and upstanding and would never lay hands on my sister? I won't even speak of the other pairings, the truth is as it stands, let opinion fall where it may."

Renji: "All right, I've seen the light, I know where I stand: the most tragedy-prone man in the thirteen divisions. Kira knows where he can stuff it. All he does is cry, if I so much as appear in a fic I have a 50% chance of NOT DYING! I never get the girl - or the boy - even if I did it's only the body never the heart, and if it's body and heart sure enough I'm dead at the end. And - I realise there's also this seme/uke debate happening, and - the hair, I know, but - it's not some sort of magical thing that if you take my hairtie out it's a free pass to MY ASS! And I DON'T have bright wobbly eyes, I DON'T have masochistic tendencies and I MOST DEFINITELY DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO GET PREGNANT, THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME GOODBYE."

Komamura: "Actually, I'm rather astonished. I'd've thought I was safe, but apparently Tousen and I, well. The blind man and the seeing-eye dog, you don't say... but why are there people who insist I'm uke when I'm 30cm taller than even Kenpachi? Oh, wait, these are the same people who say Kenpachi is uke. Never mind."

Kyouraku: "Hmm, I'd've thought my reputation as Casanova was well-established - actually I'm rather touched that all refuse to see me through such lens and insist that I'm the most romantic and faithful and 1 TRU LUV 4EVA in the Gotei 13. I wasn't actually gazing soulfully into Ukitake's eyes in the flashback, you know, in fact I don't even think we were in the same frame - well, never mind that. He can love whomever he wants and I will always be there, a harbour in any storm, utterly pathetic, are you satisfied? The cheese! And what on earth is with that Kyouraku/Aizen business?"

Tousen: "No, I don't do animals. And I'm not a masochist. Or a sadist. I'm not responsible for any of Hisagi's admittedly interesting scars, and being blind has nothing to do with it. Another thing I don't do: threesomes. Or how about this: ANYBODY AT ALL. The most acceptable theory seems to be that Aizen and Gin were in need of a housekeeper, so fine, you have my leave to run with that one."

Hisagi: "What? I'm not into SM! And I'm not a nymphomaniac! I'm not so attractive that I drive normal men to the depths of - who the hell are these people? Do I know them? Yumichika, okay, I had a fight with him, but how is 'fight' a synonym for 'making out'? Why is there porn in everything about me? Why am I in all the PWPs? WHY IS THERE BONDAGE IN ALL THE PWPS I'M IN?? And Renji... oh gawd I just feel sorry for him... he doesn't deserve to be dragged into this mess..."

Hitsugaya: "I know virtue is an outmoded concept but I would have hoped social depravity had not progressed to the stage where everyone was shotacon to the point of hitting on minors. Ichimaru Gin - I'm sorry but I don't even like to say the name, how is that supposed to work? And what is this whole 'looks like a cute uke now but will grow up seme FOR SURES'?? I - I don't have a mother complex! Stop seeing things with Matsumoto! And I'm not Aizen's grandson! Or Ichimaru's love child! Or Ukitake's love child! You... you people are on crack..."

Kenpachi: "Not an uke. Not to anyone. Not to everyone at the same time. Not to Old Man Yamamoto. Not seme to Ichimaru Gin, either. Also, not a lolicon."

Mayuri: "Huh... my looks are non-traditional, I'll give you that. But that doesn't mean I'm an eunuch; even it I were it wouldn't be thanks to Urahara Kisuke. He never experimented on me - never went to bed with me either - never led me on. So he happens to be a perv, I happen to a perv, but it's not like Sith lords master and apprentice or anything. And the Research Bureau has patented strange inventions in its time, but we're hardly an assembly line for aphrodisiacs and sadistic sex toys."

Ukitake: "*coughs* I... well, I was in school with Kyouraku-taichou, and Aizen-taichou was my kouhai, and Kaien was my adjutant, and Yamamoto-sensei does take care of me, and I probably met Byakuya a couple of times when he was younger, and... and I have a nodding acquaintance with Ichimaru-taichou but we never actually... talk or anything... well... I won't enumerate the rest. Just to point out, how can you say the words 'universal uke' so easily? Don't you see the condition I'm in? *cough cough* I'm sorry that I asked Aizen anything when we were trying to arrest him, I'm sorry about the bit with the twin blades, really I shouldn't have... blame it on me... spare the others, if you must."


This took much longer than I thought it would. Possibly because I was dying of laughter.

Comments

[saturnoolaa.livejournal.com]

You know, I wouldn't expect Chinese Bleach fandom to be so... uh... yuri-friendly. Or am I deads wrong? Or am I just assuming too much from one particular fic?

[vonbrigthi.livejournal.com]

*hacks all over keyboard* Wait, did Kira actually say "WRYYY"? XD

Hee. Thanks for translating. <3 the Bleach fandom.

[marici.livejournal.com]

Ah, this is delightful! Remji in particular feels dead on, and several of them were hilariously accurate. One gets the feeling of underlings passing around illicit djs and then trying to hide when a catain walks in.

[marici.livejournal.com]

I would like to defend my typos by mentioning that the writing window is in about 4 pt font in my firefox window.

[kuroraka.livejournal.com]

Glad i'm not the only one with this problem! I was just wondering why the fontsize is fine here at work but microscopically small on my PC at home which would be explained if it's a Firefox issue...

[kuroraka.livejournal.com]

This is awesome!XDD

I would say more, but i'm suffering from microscopical font syndrome in IE as well now...

[worldserpent.livejournal.com]

Noo. woord...

Haha, thanks for this translation. Must take my hat off to you for translating such pure fannish crack. XD

[incandescens]

Given that I am reading this at work, I have just spent the last few minutes trying desperately to keep a straight face and look as if I'm checking up on positional plagiocephaly.

This is magnificent, and a beautiful job of translation. Thank you!

(And what is that Kyouraku/Aizen business? Hmmmmmm . . .)

[sesame-seed.livejournal.com]

This must be getting pretty old by now, but SABINA I ADORE YOU SO.

t's not some sort of magical thing that if you take my hairtie out it's a free pass to MY ASS! -- love that translation. You're so good at this. *_*

(And ooh, what was the terminology you were having trouble with? Just a few nitpicks: GLH = girl's love H, IIRC, and Tousen ends his bit reluctantly endorsing the theory that Aizen and Gin carried him off to be their housekeeper.
Also, judging by the next sentence, the 自殘 in Mayuri's section refers to cutting rather than emasculating, I think?)

[motorbike.livejournal.com]

I request Momo! Momo having an episode.

Clearly my fear of fic in general(*) has made me miss out on the best eye-burning inter-net fun a girl could have. Although I would like to see Yamamoto toppin But AIZEN. Poor dude, he must have no more juice left in him, half the fandom calls him bland and the oher half slashes him from here to next week. WHEW.

Soneone needs to write Yoruichi/Soi Fong post-battle makeup/breakup action, but like. Good. Good for the eyes.


(*) Yeah I try to write it, I'm still afraid of it, this is not Freudian SHUTUP

[cindyg.livejournal.com]

::dies of laughter::

Anou, would it be all right to share this with my goddaughter, who is a Bleach fangirl par excellance? Seeing as the entry is friends-locked, and all.

^__^

So much LOVE for this post!

[sesame-seed.livejournal.com]

Ahh, was going to ask if you would mind unlocking but I see that someone beat me to it. XD

[marej.livejournal.com]

*covers eyes* *gives up* *goes off to reflections to procure the scans*

OH MY GOD NOW I WILL HAVE TO BREAK MY RESOLVE TO WAIT FOR ENGLISH VOLUMES AND READ THE SCANS TO CATCH UP TO YOU GUYS! ALL YOUR FAULT!

*loves*

[petronia.livejournal.com]

It's relatively freewheeling, I get the impression. XD There's a lot of het, I don't see why there shouldn't be yuri in the same proportion as in Wfandom (that is to say, way more people talk about it than write it).

[petronia.livejournal.com]

Ah well, I take some liberties XD

[petronia.livejournal.com]

That positional plagiocephaly must be a hoot!

You're welcome. XD I have no idea about the Kyouraku/Aizen but if I ever come across one I will report back. XD

[petronia.livejournal.com]

Aizen and Gin's housekeeper AHAHA okay. XD There was a bit at the end of Kira's I didn't get either.

You have to allow for idiom. The Yamane Ayano freetalk was the same - fangirls around the world all think alike, so it's a question of "How do people say this on LJ?"

[petronia.livejournal.com]

Unlocked now, glad you enjoyed. ^^

[petronia.livejournal.com]

Hahaha I take my hat off to the person who wrote this, she has evidently read way more badfic than my eyes are prepared to weather. Already I'm in terror of leaving the house in case I should stumble on Renji mpreg. Because I've encountered everything else he complained about.

I would volunteer the Yoruichi/Soi Fong (I have to write one anyway) but I can't get past this gridlock on the Gin/Rangiku.

[troisroyaumes]

::chokes with laughter at Renji's:: I think this is going into my memories. XD

[silvermuse89.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for translating! I wanted to read it when sesame_seed recced it, but only understanding half the title was not a good sign >>;

The way you worded things was wonderful, you really captured their personalities, especially Renji.

There is apparently no love for Unohana or any of the female vice-capitans in the Chinese fandom.

[incandescens]

Most grateful. I will admit that I am a Shunsui fan, bigtime.

[archangelbeth]

And then you told me so I could chortle. So much love.

[cindyg.livejournal.com]

::does the happy dance::

Gads, this is going to make for a lot of laughter today!

^__^

[supplanter.livejournal.com]

I love how all of these seem so eminently reasonable... but then Gin's is like "I should be either a seme or an uke, but not both."  It's like the one jarring note. XD

[naanima.livejournal.com]

...

I am somewhere in between laughing and wondering where I can find some of the fics they are talking about. because, you know, amusement! MWAHAHAHAHA!

THANK YOU FOR TRANSLATING!

[one-if-by-land.livejournal.com]

THIS WOULD BE SO MUCH FUNNIER IF I AT LEAST KNEW WHO IS WHAT GENDER AND ETC.

(I actually managed to keep my posture v. well until I hit Renji's. WAH.)

[petronia.livejournal.com]

I dunno, I just read a fic in which Unohana played a fairly large part (and it was Unohana/Isane at that XD). I think it might be that Unohana, Nanao etc. are... portrayed relatively sanely in fic? XD;

[petronia.livejournal.com]

Oh I know, you're just there like "...So where is this nymphomaniac Hisagi bondage fic then?"

(And then the stuff like weepy Soi Fong cuddling random cats, where you may not have personally seen the badfic on FFN but you can immediately imagine it...)

[naanima.livejournal.com]

Well, I have to admit I was like 'Utikate and Aizen?!... Oh, possiblitites." And then "BAD THOUGHTS! Need to clean my brain." The Yamamoto cliches really, really, really, really freaked out, though I admit there's a bit of sick fascination there... I feel dirty. Renji is in character, while Aizen is creepily in character. And yes, the Hisagi bondage fics are really, really, really, kind of, um, attractive. Either way I'd love to read some of those fics, no matter how mind boggling, I can always assume they were meant to be crack.

Weepy Soi Fong does not compute, weepy Soi Fong who randomly cuddle cats breaks the brain.

[chrysan.livejournal.com]

I am more than impressed~! It's FUN.

*reads the Chinese version*

LOL.

XD ^_____^

WHEE~!

[two-if-by-sea.livejournal.com]

The energy to take care of a harem is simply. not. there!

Best. Line. Ever. ♥ Though I think your cut-tag text is almost as priceless as anything you translated.

[bravecows.livejournal.com]

... I need to relearn my Chinese.

[petronia.livejournal.com]

Please to do so, and then I can shove wuxia!Byakuya/Hisana at you. :D

[bravecows.livejournal.com]

I would like to pretend that I am not totally lame and your offer is the main appeal of relearning the language, but really. mpreg Renji.

passing by

[annwyd.livejournal.com]

Kurumi-Show (http://kurumi.pupu.jp/), one of the most attractive Bleach fanart sites out there, has an inexplicable amount of Kyouraku/Aizen. It's really quite disturbing.

But I don't recall seeing much of the pairing elsewhere.

Re: passing by

[incandescens]

Thank you!

[lynnmonster.livejournal.com]

Oh my lord, I'm weeping with laughter. WEEPING.

*wipes tears away to make room for more*

[wetheril.livejournal.com]

Oh wow...I've certainly heard of you before!! I didn't know you were into Bleach too!! (I think I first saw your name in FMA). Awesome job on the translation, and it's REALLY FUNNY. >D

It's weird, there are some pairings in the Chinese fandom even I'm not aware of. XD

[moshi-no-bo.livejournal.com]

LOL!!! THIS IS SO GREAT!! I dont like Renji's and Kira's much (it's too sad) But GIN IS THE BEST!!!!! XD XD Wheeee~~~ YOU ROCK!!!

[petronia.livejournal.com]

Hmm, if it's FMA then it wasn't me, unless you mean the original author of this piece (I'm only a lowly translator ^^;).

But glad you liked!

[anijgrl7.livejournal.com]

Just passing by. Glad you translated this all, it was great!

it's not like Sith lords master and apprentice or anything. And the Research Bureau has patented strange inventions in its time, but we're hardly an assembly line for aphrodisiacs and sadistic sex toys

The whole thing was funny but this was I swear one of the best.

[summer-queen.livejournal.com]

incandescens, bless her soul, sent me Renji-obsessed as I am, here to read this, and I just gleefully cackled my way through it at work. Many thanks for the translation!

[cyanglow]

^ summer_queen shared and I gotta say I was LOLing all along but when I got to Komamura, I scared the housemates with my cackling.

Bless you for these lulz.

[sesame-seed.livejournal.com]

just re-read this after, dear lord, close to a decade (how????), and it's still so good. *g* ♥

hope all's well with you!

[petronia.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, this got caught in my spam? Apparently there is something wrong with the Chinese bb linked, or maybe it's LJ itself. XD; Don't remind me of the date, it makes no damned sense.

I am pretty much as always! Job, condo, travel, fandom, stuff. Mostly on Tumblr as minimoonstar/genufa, mostly in Hannibal fandom. Hmm -- saw Aki in Shanghai in October. How about you??