petronia

I said I'd try to avoid adumbration. So this in case I'm too depressed to ever type up a proper summary. XD;;

[MSN convo between

petronia and

absenceofmind, lightly edited for punctuation]

Sabina: I am trying to explain to commenter on my lj
Sabina: why I posted saying I H8 KAGETORA
Sabina: and the act of explaining fills me with augh again.
Sabina: I had to stop reading tonight.
Aki: ....
Aki: WHAT DID HE DO
Aki: OMG WHAT DID HE DO TO NAOE
Aki: HE DIDN'T FIRE HIM
Aki: DID HE?
Sabina: IT'S WORSE.
Sabina: HE PUT HIM ON PROBATION.
Aki: wtf.
Aki: as in
Aki: get your powers back
Aki: and i won't dump your ass?
Sabina: YES.
Sabina: AFTER SAYING A LOT OF
Sabina: NO.
Sabina: I CAN'T DO THIS.
Sabina: It is like, you know what it is,
Sabina: it's always just a *little* bit, just that TINY little bit worse
Sabina: than the worst case scenario I imagined.
Sabina: Always.
Aki: GOD
Aki: I WANT TO KILL HIM
Aki: AND HIS SNARKY CRUEL LITTLE ASS
Sabina: SO DO I.
Sabina: NOW.
Sabina: I mean, it is like,
Sabina: WHAT
Sabina: are the last 3,092 times you broke this guy's heart not enough?
Sabina: Do we really have to aim for #3,093?
Aki: oh yes.
Aki: i mean
Aki: way to rub it in his face.
Aki: NAOE JUST QUIT
Aki: THROW IN THE TOWEL
Sabina: HE DID.
Sabina: THAT IS THE *PROBLEM.*
Sabina: Like okay, pretty much as I predicted,
Sabina: Takaya knew something was wrong with him as soon as he saw him.
Sabina: So he waited until the meeting broke up and Ayako and Chiaki had gone off to get okonomiyaki,
Sabina: and then he's like, what's wrong with you? Your spiritual level is going down.
Sabina: How long has it been like this?
Sabina: Naoe's like, I'm just tired it's not a problem ahaha.
Sabina: Takaya's like Uhuh right pull the other one.
Sabina: What's the matter, not trying to win anymore?
Sabina: Naoe's like =_=+
Sabina: You know what, maybe I'm not.
Sabina: Maybe I've just sort of given up on the whole thing, because I am a fucking idiot.
Sabina: And Takaya's like, oh really.
Sabina: Funny that.
Sabina: You give up on me, and...... your powers disappear.
Sabina: And Naoe kind of freezes because it never occurred to him that way.
Sabina: Which is fair, AS IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME EITHER.
Aki: um
Aki: not me either
Aki: because i don't think they're causally linked like THAT
Aki: it's more like
Aki: he's so depressed that EVERYTHING's fritzed out.
Aki: GOD I HATE KAGETORA SO SO MUCH
Sabina: I'm not sure.
Sabina: Actually.
Sabina: Because later on in this conversation,
Sabina: well,
Sabina: Naoe's like okay, if hypothetically I were to say - just hypothetically -
Sabina: that I kind of lost all my powers, uh, what would happen?
Sabina: Like what would you do.
Sabina: And Takaya kind of - like you can tell that caught him off-guard.
Sabina: He's like, DID YOU?
Sabina: Naoe: ...... >_>
Sabina: So Takaya's like, Well, if you didn't recover them after a reasonable amount of time,
Sabina: I'd have to be forced to kick you off the team.
Sabina: And he's like, if you can't fight you can't help, you'd just be a drag on the others and put them in danger, blah de blah de blah.
Aki: ok.....
Aki: i mean
Aki: so far that's right.
Sabina: And
Sabina: and
Aki: AND I STILL HATE HIM.
Sabina: we'd probably have to brainwash you.
Sabina: And lock you up.
Sabina: So you won't get captured and give away our plans to the enemy.
Aki: *has an apoplexy*
Sabina: In fact, the worst case scenario is,
Sabina: I'd have to exorcise you.
Sabina: And Naoe just says, very calmly and quietly like,
Sabina: You. Would. Exorcise. Me?
Sabina: And Takaya takes a few seconds to answer this, and is like,
Sabina: ....................Well, it's the worst case scenario.
Aki: i think
Aki: that i would um.
Aki: actually
Aki: you know what?
Aki: i don't know.
Sabina: And it goes on!
Sabina: So Takaya explains.
Sabina: As if it weren't obvious.
Sabina: He's like Look, we're here to exorcise these spirits.
Sabina: That's what we do.
Sabina: That's our only excuse for hanging around earth for 400 years.
Sabina: If for some reason we *couldn't*,
Sabina: we lose our purpose.
Aki: and so i keel you.
Aki: without blinking.
Sabina: And Naoe's like, Well that's nice.
Sabina: You've only hung around 400 years because of duty? The Job? *Seriously*?
Sabina: That's really altruistic of you, you know.
Sabina: You are seriously saintly.
Sabina: Because you know what,
Sabina: that is not at all why I hung around for 400 years.
Sabina: I hung around because of *you*.
Aki: he SAID that.
Aki: he SAID THAT?
Aki: omg, and i'm going to want to kill kagetora SOME MORE
Aki: for his response.
Aki: RIGHT.
Sabina: Oh, yes.
Sabina: His response being,
Sabina: Well in which case you should be very afraid.
Sabina: Because I really don't need anyone who can't use his powers properly.
Sabina: I'd have to find someone else.
Aki: i think if i were naoe
Aki: i'd make kagetora kill me.
Aki: i'd just call his bluff.
Aki: if he did it, naoe won't be in any position to feel the heartache
Sabina: Haha.
Aki: and if he didn't
Aki: then naoe wins.
Aki: in a sense.
Sabina: *weeps into her Wendy burger*
Sabina: But you know,
Sabina: Naoe's never thought about it.
Sabina: Ever.
Aki: living is a powerful habit.
Sabina: I don't think it's every occurred to him that Kagetora could REPLACE him.
Aki: he's had 400 years to build it.
Sabina: Of course Kagetora *couldn't*, he's just saying,
Sabina: but that only makes it worse.
Aki: i don't suppose he could.
Sabina: And Naoe's just like, Okay, replace. Like. With. Whoever? Are you saying that's *okay* with you?
Sabina: For me not to be there.
Aki: ......
Aki: even to torture.
Aki: and of course
Aki: kagetora
Aki: says yes.
Aki: why would you think.
Aki: otherwise.
Sabina: Kagetora says
Sabina: (I actually feel the need to preface this with a LIES ALL DAMNED LIES disclaimer although tis really rather obvious)
Sabina: Well, it's not as if I'm *trying* to hold onto you, is it?
Sabina: I mean, *you're* the one who's in love with me,
Sabina: it's not really my problem.
Sabina: And Naoe turns deathly pale,
Sabina: and says, Well, that is true.
Aki: AND?
Aki: AND?
Sabina: It doesn't matter to you who it is, does it,
Sabina: as long as they worship at your feet.
Sabina: And then he actually um
Sabina: you remember that spiel I gave you the other day
Sabina: about how Kagetora obviously is just scared shitless that he's not loveable enough?
Sabina: Naoe tells him, you can be all perfect toward people as long as they're worshipping you from a distance.
Sabina: You're just scared of them getting close in case they see you're not perfect.
Sabina: You have no real self-esteem so you use your followers to prop you up.
Sabina: It's not about what they want, it's all about what you want.
Sabina: No matter how long you live you're just a stupid spoiled little kid.
Sabina: You don't even know *how* to love.
Sabina: You don't know how to give.
Aki: GOOD FOR YOU
Aki: GOOD FOR NAOE
Sabina: Oh, yes. XD
Sabina: But of course the argument goes rather downhill after that.
Aki: *siiiiiiiiiigh*
Sabina: Because of course Kagetora is just like,
Sabina: Are you not getting something here?
Sabina: Correct me if I'm wrong, but *you're* the one who wants to be adored and are not getting it, yes?
Sabina: Well, let me reiterate,
Sabina: not my problem.
Sabina: Naoe is just, like, shaking at this point.
Sabina: Kagetora looks at him and goes, want to kill me again?
Aki: ok kagetora is just a bloody liar.
Aki: and i really hate him.
Sabina: You can't even do it.
Sabina: Then he looks down, and up, and goes for the kill. And says,
Sabina: Sleeping around doesn't make it any better, does it?
Sabina: And I was just like, *throws book across fast food restaurant*
Aki: i would have, too.
Aki: burned it.
Aki: or something.
Aki: god
Aki: sabina
Aki: why do you do this to yourself?
Aki: you KNOW it doesn't get better.
Sabina: I AM NOT SURE.
Sabina: MAYBE I AM WAITING FOR THE PIRATES TO SHOW UP AGAIN.
Sabina: I think it's sick curiosity.
Sabina: It is the, "Okay, come on, I know that THIS time you could not possibly make it unimaginably worse."
Sabina: Death by optimism.
Sabina: I don't know if it's optimism, or just failure of imagination.
Aki: combination, but honestly?
Aki: kagetora outdoes me.
Sabina: He does.
Sabina: It is sick.
Aki: i can't think of all the ways in which he's cruel
Aki: because frankly i can't imagine them.
Aki: like, it wouldn't be IN me or most people
Aki: to say things like that.
Sabina: I know.
Sabina: It is like, the Human Decency Filter?
Sabina: Completely missing. Not installed.
Aki: i would never be able to read MoB.
Aki: never.
Aki: like, i can't READ books where people are ASSHOLES.
Sabina: *sighs*
Sabina: I question why I'm still reading this.
Sabina: Some day I'll find the answer.
Sabina: I suppose this is what addiction feels like.
Aki: ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;
Aki: i would try the usual panacea
Aki: writing you fic
Sabina: XD
Sabina: Aki.
Aki: but i think this series is beyond salvage XD